Did you know that these lovely chaps are blowing into a Vuvuzela?

The Vuvuzela

It’s a large horn-type instrument used to create a cacophony of monotone rumblings during African sporting events. If you’re planning to watch any of the World Cup, chances are you’ll be familiar with the sound it makes in a few days time. Unlike Samba drums which are used sporadically during games in South America, these things are used constantly for the full 90 minutes.

It’s certainly making shockwaves. Massive amounts of pressure have been put on FIFA to ban the instrument, not only because of the annoyance factor but also in light of recent reports which claim it can ‘permanently damage hearing’. FIFA duly responded by giving the Vuvuzela its seal of approval.

Fair play I say. It may be excruciating on the ears (fact) but how wrong would it have been to finally give the World Cup to an African nation, only to tell them not to host it in their true spirit and tradition? Plus, if it drowns out some of the dross we’re forced to listen to from the commentary box, I say ‘hoorah for the Vuvuzela!!’

Experience the sound of a Vuvuzela for yourself…

When lunchtime came around we could resist the lure of the snow no more and descended on the deserted car park opposite the office. With 6″ of snow outside it was inevitable that grown adults were going to behave like children!

Mark² captured the scene in pictures marvellously – View a slideshow of his photos »

Building a snowman - It's man's work

Meet Fred, the latest arrival at Access

Friend of Access Adam Murray-Brown dropped off this handsome fellow at the studio yesterday. Fred, who’s interests include rugby and sudoku, has kindly agreed to take part in a photo-shoot next week. He can look forward to being delicately entombed in papier mache as part of his duties. We look forward to seeing how he performs.

P.S. There is music so pop your headphones in!

And I pondered what to write about. I thought it needs to be something interesting, something that will make others think, something to wow you all….and I drew a blank so I thought I’d blog about something ridiculous, bonkers and totally pointless. With that in mind I would like to introduce you to the Lying Down Game (other wise know as Lying In Public Places or LIPP-ing).

There has been a lot of media coverage recently with reports of employees being suspended and even sacked for having a bit of harmless fun!

So, some friends and I thought we would have a go at it a go to see what all the fuss is about. Here is my best effort! It required great skill, balance…and several glasses of wine!

LIPP-ing on a bollard!!!!

Yes it is very silly, and it is very funny! So give it a go! All you have to do is lie down in a random public place! The Telegraph website has some tips.

BUT please LIPP responsibly! Enjoy x

We thought it was about time that we created our own cache with a twist. This week we posted  ‘The Fallen Few’  which is a three stage ‘multi-cache’. Should anyone interested care to attempt it you can either visit the global geocaching website or use the information here; if you don’t have a GPS you can borrow one of ours.

N 53° 27.813 W 002° 17.341

The above co-ordinates will take you to the start of the quest, it is around 1 mile from here to the finish (nice easy walk).The cache itself is the standard clik lok box containing the log book, pencil and the usual variety of goodies!

The journey starts with 3 sporting heroes.
On the plaque beneath them are just six words.

Count the number of characters in each word and then use those numbers:

1st word = A
2nd word = B
3rd word = C
4th word = D
5th word = E
6th word = F

N53° (B -D) (C) . (C – A) (B + D – C – E) (F – B)
W002° (D – A) (A + D). (C) (A + B) (F)

Following the new co-ordinates will take you to some more heroes of another kind. On the large centre plaque there are columns of names. You will be finding surnames and again, count the number of characters in each name and use those numbers. You will also need to keep the results from the first task to help you solve the second.

1st column, 4th name down = G
4th column, 1st name down = H
7th column, 5th name up from bottom = J

N53° (J – G) (C) . (H – A – B) (G ) (G + A)
W002° (G – D) (J). (J) (J) (B – D)

These last set of co-ordinates will take you to where the cache is hidden.

Found it!

This lunchtime Simon C and I went ‘Geocaching’

If you’ve never heard of it before, the idea is simple; some people go out into the world and hide stuff and then other people using handheld GPS receivers go out and try and find it.

Basically Geocaching utilises billion dollar military satellites to look for Tupperware boxes hidden in woods, parks etc.

Using a handheld GPS, you key in the latitude and longitude coordinates of a geocache and then just follow the arrow. A GPS is accurate to just a few feet but once you arrive at the location the fun of the game is putting yourself in the mindset of the hider. Some geocaches can be very hard to find, as obviously they don’t want to be found by random, non-geocaching people. Non-cachers are called Muggles, (a term borrowed from the Harry Potter books where a ‘muggle’ is a non-magical person) if a cache is discovered and destroyed by non-cachers it is said to have been ‘muggled’

All caches will contain a log book for you to sign to say that you’ve successfully found it and depending on the size of the cache will typically contain small prizes, nik-knacks etc. The etiquette of geocaching is that if you remove an item from the cache then you should replace it with something of equal or greater value, that way there is always a treat for someone else to find!

If you visit www.geocaching.com enter your postcode, you’ll be amazed at just how many geocaches will be hidden in your area. There are currently 844,397 active geocaches spread all over the world. Caches range from the smallest, known as micro-caches to very large ex-army 50 caliber ammo crates that can contain lots of goodies.

Tony was happy with his ball choice

Anyway…what a night!! I must say I haven’t seen so much attention locked on one sporting event since Lennox Lewis fought Mike Tyson. In a match that had been promoted as ‘Access: The Great Bowling Bonanza’, we just about witnessed everything there was to witness. Wouldn’t we have all been disappointed if it didn’t live up to the high expectations? It certainly had all the indications of a true classic beforehand…

• An ‘expensive’ foreign import – Mia
• Three seasoned professionals – Mark, Simon C and Tony
• A Cheeky Chappy from the West End – Simon
• A Leyland grafter returning from surgery – Micha
• A Wedding Planner – Kirstie
• A bowling rookie – Paul

And last but not least…

• An Old Man – John

…and a classic it was!!

Some last minute counting from Simon made him realise that there was in fact only 3 girls and 6 boys. Fortunately for the girls this meant that the much anticipated ‘battle of the sexes’ could not take place. Instead, everybody drew lots and the teams were made:

The Simple Simon’s: Simon, Mark2, KJB, Micha, Tony – LANE 6
Old Man and his Gang: Old Man, Mia, Simon C, Paulo Maldini – LANE 5

After changing into suitable bowling attire (dirty, soulless trainers for eight of us. Simon had a brand spanking new pair) the players were good to go:

GAME 1

After John and Kirstie had volunteered to enter their teams into the ‘state-of –the-art’ computer system, Simon ordered Mark to take down the drink orders. Before leaving to go off to the bar, Simon kicked off the proceedings with his first bowl. He swaggered up with his favoured green ball before launching it straight down the centre of the aisle. Time seemed to stand still for a second and I suddenly thought to myself ‘What the hell! He’s been practicing.’ The removal of all the pins was met by an echo of ‘ooooooooohhhhhhhh’.

‘Yay!!! Well done Simon!!’ everybody shouted and a muted applause was given. He trudged off almost embarrassed at the ease of which he had earnt the first strike of the game. He later admitted he hadn’t been to his Trafford Centre meeting hours earlier, but actually went to practice on the now infamous lane 6.

The match unsurprisingly started as a cagey affair. Nobody wanted to look like this was their first time. Unfortunately, most people made it painstakingly obvious it was! Simon C and Tony were just a couple of the competitors who threw their first attempts directly into the gutter. As everybody tried to find their feet, Mia was attracting glances on Lane 5. After an opening round of zero, she proceeded to hit three strikes in a row and was looking like the one to beat. Meanwhile old man had began appallingly and was getting frustrated. He just couldn’t get the hang of it the poor old reminiscer. He turned to me and said ‘all I want is one strike!’

Its Golden Turkey Time for Mia

Over on lane 6, Simon was achieving high scores. Whilst Micha, Tony and Mark had begun unimpressively, KJB was illustrating some outstanding technique and went onto claim her first strike. Like his dad, Tony couldn’t get going despite several verbal lessons from Simon:

‘You’ve got to stop pulling to the left’
‘Yeah I know’ Ball is sent straight into the left gutter.
‘Stop pulling it to the left!!’
‘I know!!’ Ball is sent into the right gutter.

After Mia’s lucky Golden Turkey, her form began to dip dramatically and Simon C and Paulo Maldini stepped up to the plate. Both began to run the show with a lovely array of strikes and spares. In between this I vaguely remember old man throwing another small fit after failing to knock down any pins.

Mark started to come into his own towards the end of the first round as he finally realised that flicking his wrist wasn’t working. He just couldn’t comprehend why real bowling was so different to the Wii. Micha had started to get the hang of it as well and was unlucky not to get a couple of Strikes. Tony was quite simply awful. He was obviously missing Mark1’s guidance which was so crucial to him being crowned ‘Top Cook’ in the Lakes last year.

Before we knew it we’d reached the end of our first game. The Simple Simon’s, despite struggling to move out of first gear had took the advantage. So what if we had 5 and they only had 4. We didn’t care!!! We won!!!

GAME 2

The second game couldn’t come soon enough for some of us. Old man was desperate to make amends and found some form culminating in a strike which was met by a punch in the air and a ‘YEEEEESSSSSS!!!’ Simon C was playing like a house on fire and Paulo Maldini was throwing his balls around with force and accuracy. Mia’s downturn in fortunes was confirmed by several zero’s on the scorecard.

Lane 6’s Pin picker-upper thing was working harder than the previous game with Micha continuing to find her feet. Any doubts over her knee were dispelled with a lovely strike. KJB was a model of consistency, opting for placement over power. And it was working. Simon continued to prove his worth with a couple of spares. Tony, despite mild improvement was still appalling and stood as the only player yet to deliver a strike. The big talking point was Mark’s dramatic improvement. The thought of the e-mails which he sent round the office two days prior obviously forced him into concentration. ‘Bring it on!’ he had said with a cocky smile*. Usually when somebody shows such sickening confidence and arrogance justice is served and they fall flat on their face. Not this time. Strike. Spare. Crash. Boom. Unstopppable!!!

The now legendary Mark 'the challenger' Holland in action

The Simple Simon’s were doing so well we even endorsed a bit of family time. Mrs Landi, Ms Landi1 and Ms Landi2 all made their way down from the VIP area to take a closer look at the action. It was like a party. All the pressure had seemingly vanished and we were loving it. Heck Simon even let Ms Landi2 have a go for him we were so far in front. The points were clocking up and the beer was flowing. It was brilliant.

Over on lane 5 Old Man and his Gang had finished. Simon C had ended with a flurry as he rolled back the years to when he played twice a week. He even did a little victory dance with his hands by his head and looked a bit like a reindeer. Mia had achieved a respectable score despite not getting another strike after her hat-trick. This led to questions of whether her Turkey was a fluke? The answer was quite emphatic. Yes. Big fluke. Paulo Maldini put in a cracking shift, going about his business without any fancy flair. Paulo, we salute you. Old man showed occasional glimpses of class but his form was far too erratic. He got his strike he wanted so well done. I’d stick to walking if I was you.

Simon C's reindeer dance is now being performed in the streets of Northwich

There was a tinge of hope as Old Man and his Gang waited for The Simple Simon’s to finish. Could the latter take their feet off the gas and throw away victory? Of course not! We were amazing! Tony even got himself a strike which I’ll try and describe from a totally objective and unbiased angle.

I took my position on the wide left, ran up, released the ball whilst on one knee towards the far right, and just before it hit the pins it curved back inside and hit the middle pin. They all fell down. The crowd went wild. There was an invasion on lane 6 and I was suddenly surrounded by dozens of half naked women spraying beer at me and chanting my name. I think it went something like that. Yeah that’s about right-honest!

So what were the scores? I don’t really know. All I know is The Simple Simon’s were brilliant. And we were the winners. Well done us. And now for the individual presentation:

1^st (as much as it pains me to say it) – Mark
2^nd – Simon
3^rd – Simon C
Best performing Female – KJB
Biggest Loser – Tony

Simon presents Mark with his $1,000,000 cheque

And that’s how it all went down!! Well done everybody, It was a great night!! Next time its crazy golf……

All the players who performed that night will go down in bowling folklore for years to come

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